A lot of the time I'm scared to think about the future...my future. Because all of the futures I thought I had lined up for me ceased to exist in this reality. I'm scared to allow myself to go there again. I find myself more cautious than daring, when I'd rather be the latter: unafraid.
I don't go there because I'm scared of how much I actually want it. I don't just want to hope for it, but I want it to happen and something about that truth terrifies me because I'm scared of losing it all. I've finally reached my happy. Is there an ever after?
I remember the ending of Willy Wonka and for some reason I referenced this in a comment I left on a post in my community recently. Just a week or two ago I re-watched this clip on YouTube. Wonka tells Charlie, 'Don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he wanted.' Charlie, 'What happened?' Wonka, 'He lived happily ever after.'
I hold onto that. In my heart I believe we will get our ever after.
So why all this fear? Well, we're not used to having it all. I know I'm not. Two years ago, when things were going great and should have kept going that way I got overwhelmed with the goodness and caved in on myself. And instead of holding it all in, I'm letting it out this time.
Because our lives are never going to be linear. We are going to have such dramatic highs that make us pinch ourselves, just to make sure these glorious moments are actually real. And we are going to have terrible lows when all of the never-should-have-happened's come crashing down on us.
our lives are going to ebb and flow into this beautiful chaotic mess that actually makes perfect sense.
All of this is okay because this is life. All of it. So how do we become okay with it?
We let ourselves begin to feel it all. We don't tell ourselves, 'Girl (in my case), you should be over this by now.' We don't shove our feelings so far down we can't find them and then they come overflowing at the most inopportune times like an overstuffed closet. We just let it be what it is.
We let ourselves be. So that's what I'm doing. I'm sharing...with you. The moment I'm in right now instead of holding it in and keeping it to myself like this secret I'm really proud of and also filled with dread by. I'm just letting the feeling of 'I'm a little scared right now...' hang out here.
Maybe it's because my mom passed away when I was really young. Sure, it could have something to do with that. She was this incredible woman I never got to know who I thought I would have a whole lifetime getting mad at, not wanting to be like, hugging the shit out of and becoming just like...her. I didn't get the time, but I got the genes, and at least I have that.
Maybe it's because I thought I would have more daddy's little girl time before he moved on and started a new family and wanted me to pretend everything was alright when clearly it wasn't. It could have something to do with the fact that I experienced forms of emotional abuse I didn't understand and was confused by for a really long time. I learned to live in a numbed-out state of mind where no hope for a different kind of future existed. Until I made my own and I'm damn proud of the girl who stepped up and believed she could make it on her own so she left.
Maybe I'm scared because I've loved and I've lost. Maybe I'm scared because sometimes we don't get the futures we want and sometimes life has other plans for us.
Maybe I'm really scared because I'm not in control of anything -- no matter how tight I hold on and don't let go. And then there are other moments. Moments when I let go of all of the plans and just let life happen. Those were magic moments. Moments when I didn't have a future planned but it came up anyway and fell into place like I never could have planned for.
Like when I decided to forgo all plans of school after college and drop the 'smart girl/good girl' persona to find my worth in something outside of school, grades and the academic world.
Like when I took a Canadian life coaching program and went to networking events in New York City every week while working at a law firm, and somehow created a coaching business.
Like when I quit my job to pursue my dreams and because of it had more time to spend with friends which allowed me to take a picture...which somehow led to me meeting my partner.
I couldn't have planned these happenings. They just, well, happened. And now I'm in a new place. I've built a foundation that I believe to be sturdy after a lot of time only knowing how to balance on shaky ground. I'm learning how to be okay here, planting both my feet firm.
Two years ago I almost destroyed every good thing in my life but I didn't - because something in me decided it wanted more and deserved more - and it fought like hell to get here. To a place where,
I don't want to write about 'two years ago or four years ago' anymore. I want to write about today. I want to write about tomorrow. I want to write about ten years from now.
I'm planning out a future on my own terms that I'm scared of and excited for. I want it. All of it.
I want a family. I want a dog. I want to grow old with the person I love. I want to own my own space where I can hold healing workshops and retreats. I want my partner to have the opportunity to dream big. I don't want to worry about money ever again. I want to share my story on stage. I want to write and create and put this worthiness idea into the hearts + minds of as many people as I can. I want to be the Mr. Rogers of being your own personal advocate.
And these are the quiet whisperings of my heart that I dare to share out-loud - without fear of losing it all before I even have it or contradicting myself and not believing it when Wonka says I, too, can 'live happily ever after.' I want my ever after. I know, deep down, I can have it.
It starts by me declaring it out-loud, and not allowing the fear to subdue it. I let the fear be here but I do not let it overbear and destroy my dreams. I don't deserve that.
Me writing this is coming from the perspective of the advocate in me I've learned to build up from not only taking care of myself but learning how to be there for myself.
Over the last two years I've learned self-empathy so that over the next few decades I can live with a sense of inner peace, knowing and compassion for myself and others. That is the kind of life I'm learning how to practice living. That is the kind of life we all deserve.
When we let the fear be here, but not overbear. When we allow ourselves the space to know what peace is. When we learn that we can have everything we want, and not destroy it, but learn slowly day in and day out how to live our ever afters. Because they do exist after happy.