I KNEW I WANTED SOMEONE TO STAND UP FOR ME.
When I was growing up. When I left home. When I got my heart broken. When I quit my job. When I confronted my past. When my business failed. When I, when I, when I...
I didn't want to feel alone in the many messes of life. I wanted someone to stand by my side, sit with me, scoop me up and tell me everything was going to be alright. The thing is...
I never realized i had the potential to be that someone for me.
Over the last eight years, since I've been on my own in the world, I've slowly and imperfectly learned -- and am still learning -- how to be my own advocate. I'm understanding that I can be the person who stands up for me, believes in me, and loves me first. I don't have to wait for that anymore.
But it's taken a long time to understand this. I mean, to really get it. The way it unfolded for me was through finding different avenues to creatively express myself. Every time I did I felt alive. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, but it felt good to have something all my own. And every single time I created something new, I found a little piece of myself that I collected.
I've collected a lot of pieces of me over the last few years. Pieces that were broken off or chipped away from all the times someone told me lies about me that I came to believe.
'Diane you can't. You're never going to be successful. You're never going to find love. You're never...'
All I wanted for as long as I can remember was to find someone who would pick up my pieces and tell me it was all okay. That I was someone worthwhile. I searched for that for so long.
When I fell in love, for real, four years ago I found someone who taught me a different way of looking at myself. I remember him telling me, 'I need you to love you before you love me.'
I didn't get it then. One part of me thought I had already. Another part of me was hurt. And it took time, but I finally understood. I couldn't give my all to someone else if it wasn't coming to me first.
I used to teach my clients to be that someone for someone else. But how could they really? If they weren't being that for themselves first. How could I? It all starts with us, always.
Over the past four years I've also had several iterations of my business. I've been a zany and rebellious coach teaching others how to screw the man and pursue their passion because they are unlimited. I've been a social media strategist for artists teaching them how to look at social media as just another canvas. I've been a brand strategist, online business coach and copywriter.
I could never stick with one thing. I would look at all of the other top-notch people in whatever industry I was in at the time and tell myself they get it -- they're doing it so much better than me -- maybe this just isn't my thing. But the thing was, it was just a piece of me.
It was one avenue along my journey of creatively expressing myself. At the time, I didn't understand why I couldn't find one thing to stick with, but now I get it. Each time I've committed to a piece of work, artistry, entrepreneurial endeavor it was a way for me learn about who I am.
It was a way for me to accept each piece, each part of myself.
And here I am now. Writing this note to you, sharing the biggest lesson I've learned so far. That we have everything we need inside of ourselves if we're willing to turn within.
Two years ago, I gave up on myself. Those 'Diane, you're never going to...' lies started to get really loud in my head and I caved in myself. I stopped feeling any sort of passion or confidence in what I was doing, and I couldn't financial afford to keep my business going anymore.
From mid-2016 to mid-2017 I worked at a store, a flower shop and tutored English online.
I gave up all titles, all notions of who I thought I was, all of it. I incubated myself and got quiet online. I took some serious time to work on the person I was -- someone I had been running away from for a long time -- and I took inventory of all of the things I had let fall to the wayside.
My relationship, my self-care, my friendships, my passion -- all the things that really mattered.
It was during this time that I started to see that no one else was going to be that person for me who could pick up the pieces. That was my job. It was always my job. And I was doing a shitty job.
The more I leaned in, the more I liked what I saw. I had been fighting myself for so long to be something I wasn't, that all I needed to do was lay out all of the pieces and see that I was kind of cool. I was kind of inspirational. I was the kind of person I might want to hang out with.
There were a lot of moments over the past two years when things weren't okay and I wanted to fix everything immediately. But I had to learn how to be okay in the mess. These days I work full-time at a nonprofit and on my office wall I have letters which make up the message: I'm okay.
Because life is going to hit us fucking hard sometimes and it's up to us to decide if we're going to run away or stand our ground. Over the past several months I've been learning how to tell those lies in my mind 'no.' Because they are things someone told me that I came to believe about myself.
And every time I say 'no' to the lies I take my power back. I take a piece of myself back. And then I tell myself a truth I know to be true. I'm starting to tell myself things like,
'Diane, you can do this. You're going to achieve your dreams. You're going to build a beautiful life with the person you love. You're going to become that someone you wish you had. You've been her all along.'
These days I feel closer to whole than I ever have. Life's still a process and there are plenty of ups and downs in my days, but I am okay. I feel okay. I feel passionate again. I feel like I've risen from something hard and am stronger for it. This journey has shown me that.
A warrior by definition is someone who has 'engaged in some struggle or conflict.' I believe I am a worthy warrior because it's been a battle to see just how worthwhile I am.
But I'm winning the battle now. I'm learning how to stand up and believe in all of me.
Because of this, I am a worthy warrior.
